Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.