Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”