Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.