7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Are these grass-fed oranges?
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.