Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

A short story about romance.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.