Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

This hospital has everything

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.