Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Real 😅

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

house sitting!

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.