7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a