Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.