7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth