Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)