Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

“What movie?” 🤔

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Hotels are back

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date