Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws