7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
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A classic…
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
You better wish for more oil
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait