7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
How dramatic are you?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother