Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

This is my favorite one of these!

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

☠️ ☠️

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck