Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

#damn

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

I’m pretty like a car crash.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker