7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
🌱🌱🌱
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.