7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Don’t tell me what to do
A classic…
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.