7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
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In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
next level snooze
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise