Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

The game has officially changed 😎

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Text: can I talk to you about something?

Me: throws phone in ocean

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.