Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Made something I’m not proud of
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!