7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
You Might Also Like
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.