7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
set yourself free xox
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.