Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

That’s it.I’m out.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what