Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!