Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied