7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.