@not_thenanny

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

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@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@evaandheriud

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

@ArchiePeeler

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

@_Water_Baby

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

@wesleybordelon

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

@EvilPandaX

Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.

@SherBoBer

Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.