7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

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Which doesnt belong?

Polar Bear

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East


it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman


Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Me: Write it down.


Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic


*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.


There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.


Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.


Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.


Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.