7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I am having an out of money experience.
The glockness monster
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?