Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!