Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

The most important meal of the day is the next one

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.