Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

awkward

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

the last thing a carrot sees

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”