Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.