7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.