Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts