7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m calling the cops.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!