*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
🤣
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’m going to need a moment here.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.