Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

wtf is an acronym

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.