*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.