*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.