Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.