Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

If you’re testing me, we failed.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Maths meets science

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.