7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
😭😭😭
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
We’ve all been there…
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.