Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.