7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Thank you 🥹
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs