Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses