7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind