Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month