Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.