Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

shakira sharkira

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Jurassic park gets weird

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands