7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash