7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?