7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.