7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Otters see a butterfly.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
mood
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.