Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

#MeanwhileinCanada

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.