Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..