Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

“I wouldn’t.”

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Monday

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.