7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*pronounces patio like ratio
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.