7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
◾️
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial