Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

here we go again

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?