7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?