Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work