7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.