Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

ㅤ

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Cndnsd Mlk

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed