Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

No one :

Me when I swimming :

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.