7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?