7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
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End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily