Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.