Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

😲 WTF? 😆

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.