Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

This could be us… but you playing

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.