Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Dear Lord..

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit