Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.