[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
You Might Also Like
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
The little-known fourth major monotheistic religion…
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I hope that one day I am as fearless as a New York City Pigeon.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!