7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.