Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Shortcut

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

PLOT TWIST:

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her