7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
you gotta be faster
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
