7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Camping tip: No.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
